what's on my mind currently? i don't know. i really have no idea. i start to wonder why do i even start a post right now. apparently, there was something that i intend to type about, but it must have slip my mind.
what does it feel like to say things that you didn't mean, when you're unstable and anger is consuming every part of your emotion? i remember boyf asking me this. well, i couldn't actually answer him, cos i'm the one who always pick a fight with him. so he gave me a simple answer, "they are words that you never want to ever say, but it's because you needed to find a way to win, you hurt the other party."
i find it true though. cos i know how many times i've actually fought with him about things, and it's always me saying things i never ever want to say again. i'm always thinking, was it worth it saying all those things, that i know it didn't matter to me. but, i fought with my anger and not facts, and i never ever want to listen to opinions that others have given me. i miss him, dearly. i miss all those conversations i had with him, the laughter and tears. the odds that we've been through together.
have you ever had a friend that means a lot to you that you can't bear to let them go, but you have no choice? even though you try so hard to be there for them, hurting them yet trying and never giving up, still they think that you're unhappy with them. what can i say? someone said, don't try so hard. well, let's look at it logically. when you give it a try, they say you never did your hardest, but when you did, they say stop trying so hard. when you leave, they tell you not to go, and start reminding you how much they need you. my question is, why wait till i'm leaving than start to appreciate eveyth? get my point? i don't know, maybe i've given up so easily. but, why must i be needed when things go wrong for someone? i mean, i've always been there for anyone, though not physically, but i always do. but why when losing me, then things start to change? am i not worth a moment? i don't know what is on my mind. i don't even know why i even care so much.
anyways, to anyone who is reading this post, there's a song that i think is soothing to every ears. it's Hall of Fame by The Scripts, my adored Irish band :)
