"besides telling me you love me, i have to technically wait for the day where you finally show that you can convince me. but will you ever be able to make it? i've always put faith in you, this time i'm hoping you won't fail me."
I've gotten another letter though. i don't know how to react, but apparently, it's a sign, showing me that things will get better. but there are things that i will lose along the way to achieve what i need. i don't have to say things i guess, it's more of losing people. but i can't stop can i?
the more i think about it, the more i wanna fight back and think that, just because of a relationship, you just wanna leave. i mean, does it makes sense?
heaven ways aren't actually on my side the past few days. but i really can't expect things to go my way all the time.
okay, why do i actually intend to type out this post? hmmm. oh yes, i had a small conversation with one of my supervisor last night, Shahril. he is very nice, and i wonder why he can portray himself into someone that everyone can look to. and as i've assume, he has indeed gone through much in life which is why, he is proud to be what he has become today.
how did the conversation started, well it was because of something, so i started talking to him about things. just a brief summary of what my life is made up with. and he was proud of me for going through such things in life and he told me a part of his family story. i told him i do feel guilty and that someday i will regret for doing this, he said don't be. why should i, he said. i should be proud and strong for making a stand because i've seen a lot and i've gone through a lot, so should know what to appreciate and when to let go.
up until now, i still hold onto what Shahril first told me, "Life is an art. everything is theatrical."
after what he told me, i reflected quite a number of things. my life, family, love, friendships. some are worth the chase, but some aren't even worth a second from the first moment you met them. i don't particularly look forward for Hari Raya celebration this year, partly because of dad's side. i'd rather lose them than losing mum's side. i know apparently my grandma(maternal side) who i call her Nyai, is much more worth my life. i am sin for saying this, but i don't wanna care about my dad's side as much as i love him dearly. but people who don't care about my father is not even worth to be call my family.
though i'm not mentally prepared on whatever that's awaiting for me on the 19th of August, but i know i need to go through it. but i ask myself, is it even worth it?
ito ay hindi worth it sa dilang. pag kami ay family, mo hindi maukol kami para tae. ako hwag ano man alang dako mo. mo hindi bahala sa kami. so, bakit dpat ako bahala?
but above all, this post was suppose to be about me missing Saifulridzuan. ako sa wkas ipasiya. ito ay mo sino mahal. bgaman ako saktan mo mula mas, forgive me. :(
i love you i do. i know i've never told you all of these. and i realize being away from you, makes me realize all of these. i love you, and i need you.
