"oh, can't nobody do it like you. said every little thing you do. hey baby said it stays on my mind. and i'm officially missing you."
by typing this post, apparently a lot will probably know that my boyf is currently in prison. i don't have any intention to be embarrassed by this fact and that i don't want anyone to judge my boyf without listening to our story. i should say to those out there that your relationship is pretty smooth sailing and that even though there are arguments going on between both of you, in a week i think you guys will meet up often. so, this post shall be about me sharing what had happened early in the morning today.
the journey from Teban to Changi Prison was quite a long one indeed, for today. apparently taxi drivers nowadays, are even more daring to like so called, "CHEAT" your money.
so we reached at around 8.45am and had to register for entry to visit him. it wasn't that long to register, but it required like 20mins. i was excited, yet intrigued, yet sad. there was a mixed of emotions when i reached there. i felt so nervous like i couldn't breath for a moment. so they registered me as his fiancee.
and registration was done, and apparently i had to walk all the way to the visit area. you have to go through and underground tunnel and indeed it was a long one. it felt like i ad to do a morning exercise. walk all the way down, and had to take a lift to another basement. so apparently, it is indeed and underground thingy i had to go through with them.
so, upon reaching the visiting area, we apparently had to wait till they give us the permission to enter, then we can proceed, otherwise, you'll be handcuffed. heh. anyways, i planned that i will proceed into the room last while they will enter in first.
apparently his cousin sister or should i say his own sister with his aunt, went in and were so happy to see him and i could see from a distant he was smiling. but when i came in, he smiled even wider, and his eyes was on me the moment i stepped in. he wouldn't set his eyes off me. at that point of time i was sitting at the left side opposite him and his sister in the middle, and his aunt on my right. but apparently his aunt said, "Dik, let didie(me) sit in front of wawan." so we exchanged our seats. i let his aunt and sister talked to him while i observe him. apparently, i could see the tension on his face, wanting to just look at me and talk to me. suddenly his sister said, "eh you keep on looking at your girlf only. miss her so much eh? look at her face! it seems like she's gonna cry." she laughed. indeed i was at the verge of crying, but i kept it away and smiled. and he said, "Don't cry or i'll cry too," while looking at me.
apparently, i have to put his family first and i had to let them have their family talk so when it was my turn, i said i love him and i was pleased to hear he said he loves me too with a smile. he told me he's praying 5 times a day, our normal prayers. he learned how to do threading, folding of materials, and made friends. he was saying that if he behave, he'll be out early. i was hoping that would happen fast. but, i can't hope too much, instead i should say my prayers. told him i dug through his drawers and found out about his past existence of ex-girlfs, and apparently he was shocked. he was sorry indeed.
5 minutes till our session ended, i gazed at him and told him i miss him. his aunt reminded him to take care of himself and his sister said that she misses him. and asked whether he was shocked to see her there.
when the session was over, his aunt said, "Let them have a moment with each other." i stood in front of that glass panel, cupped my face and lean onto it, and i couldn't hold back my tears. he raised his voice from the other side and said, "Please don't cry or i'll cry too." i stood there and just cried, what was even worst, he put his hand on the other side of the panel, palm facing my face, as though he was wiping away my tears. there was silence between us, i know he wanted to cry but he held back. and without feeling his warm touch, he left & at that moment i felt as though again, his presence was not there. i left the room, crying while hugging his sister. letting the tears roll down on its own.
how badly i want him to know what's in my heart. what i'm feeling. but i know he felt it, we know we could feel each other's heart content. as i left, that part where he struggled to think that he could wipe away my tears, was the one that up until this hour, i still am affected by it.
to sum up, i'll just type out what was actually that was whispering in my heart,
my dear, do you feel this pain i'm feeling? how i feel that you're not in there but here, right next to me. it's been a crazy and hectic time of my life. it hasn't been easy for me. the nights where i teared to sleep, and the sudden wake i felt every subsequent hours. could you feel my heart beating for you, my hands holding on to nothing, and my mind and emotions are coping with each other to make me strong. i don't need diamonds or wealth, but i just need your arms to hold me tight, your hand to wipe away my tears, your hugs to make me feel strong, to hear your voice like i normally do, to touch your face, to cry on your shoulder, to just exist in my life. for i could not and never replace my heart for anyone. it will always be you. i love you, and i will, as always.
