"for a moment in my life, i want to be happy. i want to live a life, that goes the way i planned it to be. i need a relationship that brings forth a perfect family for me. really, i'm exhausted as can be."
i wonder at times why have i chosen this path, when things that are better, are being lay out right in front if my eyes. just for a moment, i need to be me in a relationship, and i just want to smile and giggle like i used too.
i shall clarify this, i am NOT some kind of MINISTRY OF HOME AFFAIRS to actually know whatever and wherever my partners' family member are doing for 24/7. and if i were to really be with him for an eternity, how am i suppose to explain to my family about his family and his own background. i know, definitely i know how my parents will react. damn it, i wish i knew what to do. i wish that things ought to be different. some what i do feel the pinch, and it's painful to swallow than to just not care about it.
i know my parents would want me to lead a much better life than now, but tell me how? how am i suppose to face things when i am too attached to a partner and his family to the extend that i can no longer run or hide away. everything that is done within the family, i must know. not only that, i must emphasize that i am 18 and i do i have to be responsible for my family, and in case someone hasn't notice anything, i must admit that in a relationship doesn't mean i am responsible for the other party also. i am not yet married neither am i engaged. i have no idea why, from a young age that i have a particular mindset, which states: "Being in a relationship does not mean you have to be responsible for every single damn thing." i'm 18 years old. i have dreams i need to chase before i finally settle down and have kids and cook every damn meal. people may think that being 18 means that you don't have the right to say all these god damn things, excuse me, i think there are much more young adults who are 18 and leading a much difficult life than i am or maybe even pregnant and being a single mum. so i object at the fact when people say, 18 is just too freaking young. age is just a number, and it's the maturity that counts.
this has gotta be the most frustrating situation i am in, and no, i haven't thought about this now, but much much more earlier than this. to be honest, i wanna be better. i wanna be happy in a relationship which don't make me stumble that much, maybe a few hits and bumps. well, maybe a relationship in which i can be open about with my parents. Gosh, i am 18 you know. i mean, how long more do i have to keep things away from my parents. and in this kind of situation i am in, for sure, my parents have 0% tolerance with this kind of nonsense. wait till i tell them about his family. damn, i can cry so much to the extend, i wanna run away and be an independent person who pursues and achieves her dreams and never ever stop at anything. and for once, i do have to state that I AM NOT AN ATM MACHINE. sincerely, i have bills to help out my parents and i do have to take care of my parents who are, as days goes by, getting older and bound to have sickness. no, they are not at the age where they can still drink alcohol or abuse drugs or even act like the most typical malays obsessed with tattoos. though i am pretty much this rebellious, and at this stage trying as much as i can to be closer to Allah, yes my parents are quite religious and are strict in terms of Islam. and despite me having to breach most rules, nonetheless, my parents still help me out a lot.
well, yes people have been telling me to give him a chance, yes i will and i do. but if things goes out of hand, my decision will be firm and i will not turn back. be it how much my love for him is indescribable, whatever happens next is all up to me. can you believe it, after how many months i am finally typing this out? i guess i am frustrated, mostly, at this point of time. for i have been sitting down, giving myself a lot of things to think about, and no, we are never too young to worry about such things. it's best to start early than too late.
i have waited for 8 months, thought things might have change. now i've waited for 5 months, and things are beginning to make me worry. no, i don't and shall say, this is not because of a third party. if it is, i would have started out this post saying i'm loving someone. yes, good things come to people who wait, but let me ask, how long? if the situation is a scary and worrying type, really, i'd rather go.
i just need to be me. not at the fact that i have to face with such worries about the other party situation. i just need a relationship which i don't have to worry too much, a relationship that you & i will work things out and work together. a relationship that let me be a person that i want to be. a relationship which i can be honest and truthful to my parents, a part where i don't find it hard to tell. a relationship that my parents are happy to let me be and see me be happy. a relationship that is build with trust and honesty and we don't have to put family as a barrier.
a relationship, something like dad has with mum. no secrets. trusting each other. a relationship in every hard time they help each other. being bestf for a listener, to laugh with, a lover to love and care. something just like my parents.
this has gotta be one emotional wrecking post i've ever had.
