"for a moment in my life, i want to be happy. i want to live a life, that goes the way i planned it to be. i need a relationship that brings forth a perfect family for me. really, i'm exhausted as can be."

i wonder at times why have i chosen this path, when things that are better, are being lay out right in front if my eyes. just for a moment, i need to be me in a relationship, and i just want to smile and giggle like i used too.
i shall clarify this, i am NOT some kind of MINISTRY OF HOME AFFAIRS to actually know whatever and wherever my partners' family member are doing for 24/7. and if i were to really be with him for an eternity, how am i suppose to explain to my family about his family and his own background. i know, definitely i know how my parents will react. damn it, i wish i knew what to do. i wish that things ought to be different. some what i do feel the pinch, and it's painful to swallow than to just not care about it.

i know my parents would want me to lead a much better life than now, but tell me how? how am i suppose to face things when i am too attached to a partner and his family to the extend that i can no longer run or hide away. everything that is done within the family, i must know. not only that, i must emphasize that i am 18 and i do i have to be responsible for my family, and in case someone hasn't notice anything, i must admit that in a relationship doesn't mean i am responsible for the other party also. i am not yet married neither am i engaged.  i have no idea why, from a young age  that i have a particular mindset, which states: "Being in a relationship does not mean you have to be responsible for every single damn thing." i'm 18 years old. i have dreams i need to chase before i finally settle down and have kids and cook every damn meal. people may think that being 18 means that you don't have the right to say all these god damn things, excuse me, i think there are much more young adults who are 18 and leading a much difficult life than i am or maybe even pregnant and being a single mum. so i object at the fact when people say, 18 is just too freaking young. age is just a number, and it's the maturity that counts.

this has gotta be the most frustrating situation i am in, and no, i haven't thought about this now, but much much more earlier than this. to be honest, i wanna be better. i wanna be happy in a relationship which don't make me stumble that much, maybe a few hits and bumps. well, maybe a relationship in which i can be open about with my parents. Gosh, i am 18 you know. i mean, how long more do i have to keep things away from my parents. and in this kind of situation i am in, for sure, my parents have 0% tolerance with this kind of nonsense. wait till i tell them about his family. damn, i can cry so much to the extend, i wanna run away and be an independent person who pursues and achieves her dreams and never ever stop at anything. and for once, i do have to state that I AM NOT AN ATM MACHINE. sincerely, i have bills to help out my parents and i do have to take care of my parents who are, as days goes by, getting older and bound to have sickness. no, they are not at the age where they can still drink alcohol or abuse drugs or even act like the most typical malays obsessed with tattoos. though i am pretty much this rebellious, and at this stage trying as much as i can to be closer to Allah, yes my parents are quite religious and are strict in terms of Islam. and despite me having to breach most rules, nonetheless, my parents still help me out a lot.

well, yes people have been telling me to give him a chance, yes i will and i do. but if things goes out of hand, my decision will be firm and i will not turn back. be it how much my love for him is indescribable, whatever happens next is all up to me. can you believe it, after how many months i am finally typing this out? i guess i am frustrated, mostly, at this point of time. for i have been sitting down, giving myself a lot of things to think about, and no, we are never too young to worry about such things. it's best to start early than too late.

i have waited for 8 months, thought things might have change. now i've waited for 5 months, and things are beginning to make me worry. no, i don't and shall say, this is not because of a third party. if it is, i would have started out this post saying i'm loving someone. yes, good things come to people who wait, but let me ask, how long? if the situation is a scary and worrying type, really, i'd rather go.
i just need to be me. not at the fact that i have to face with such worries about the other party situation. i just need a relationship which i don't have to worry too much, a relationship that you & i will work things out and work together. a relationship that let me be a person that i want to be. a relationship which i can be honest and truthful to my parents, a part where i don't find it hard to tell. a relationship that my parents are happy to let me be and see me be happy. a relationship that is build with trust and honesty and we don't have to put family as a barrier.

a relationship, something like dad has with mum. no secrets. trusting each other. a relationship in every hard time they help each other. being bestf for a listener, to laugh with, a lover to love and care. something just like my parents.

this has gotta be one emotional wrecking post i've ever had.

maybe thing were suppose to be this way, and maybe it shall remain this way.

i guess, sometimes i am quite indecisive. most of the time i guess. well, how should i put it, that the first 3 months are over and that i am waiting for the last 2 months. pretty challenging i should say. heh.

the current time is 4.12am and i am not asleep knowing the fact that i have work in less than 2 hours. Sadli is chatting with me right now.

honesty and lies, these 2 don't really go well don't they? heh. maybe i was being brought up at the fact that no matter how ugly the outcome is, it's best to tell the truth and not keeping it for too long. so just a few hours ago, i got to know a truth that i don't know, apparently hurt me that much?
maybe it's cause of the trust and believe that i have put in someone and the things i have done that made me so infuriated. but then again, what was i thinking back then?
maybe all these while i've underestimated that someone and well, make it seem that everything that somebody has done for me, is never sufficient enough. heh. it's me i guess? maybe for me, once you say someth, you do it?

but humans don't always work the way everybody works right.

but i don't know, after that conversation, i realize a lot of things that i can't wait to tell Baby once he is out. so many things i've learned that oh wells, i guess everyth in his letter that he said about me was true. but another thought came ti mind. it is what a friend said to me that maybe, i should really start from now. i mean, it applies to certain people only.

"i think it's time where you really shouldn't care anymore and start to let things be. save those that matter and are worth your time." at first to be honest, i don't get whathe meant by that and saying that. finally i understood. i guess it's really time where it shouldn't matter to me anymore and that things should go their own way. be it whether it creates a big impact or not. i mean the other party is in love, so why stop and come in the way? i guess i shall take Stephan's advice. it really shouldn't matter anymore.

i guess that one person who will honestly tell me he loves me will still be him. i need to sit down and think about everything one more time. i mean i guess the trust i had was all wasted i guess. i don't really know. i'm just fuming.

" when i know where i stand and i know i'll never leave, i mean every word i say. but when someone constantly tells me they want me to leave, what other choice do i have? leave."

what's on my mind currently? i don't know. i really have no idea. i start to wonder why do i even start a post right now. apparently, there was something that i intend to type about, but it must have slip my mind.

what does it feel like to say things that you didn't mean, when you're unstable and anger is consuming every part of your emotion? i remember boyf asking me this. well, i couldn't actually answer him, cos i'm the one who always pick a fight with him. so he gave me a simple answer, "they are words that you never want to ever say, but it's because you needed to find a way to win, you hurt the other party."
i find it true though. cos i know how many times i've actually fought with him about things, and it's always me saying things i never ever want to say again. i'm always thinking, was it worth it saying all those things, that i know it didn't matter to me. but, i fought with my anger and not facts, and i never ever want to listen to opinions that others have given me. i miss him, dearly. i miss all those conversations i had with him, the laughter and tears. the odds that we've been through together.

have you ever had a friend that means a lot to you that you can't bear to let them go, but you have no choice? even though you try so hard to be there for them, hurting them yet trying and never giving up, still they think that you're unhappy with them. what can i say? someone said, don't try so hard. well, let's look at it logically. when you give it  a try, they say you never did your hardest, but when you did, they say stop trying so hard. when you leave, they tell you not to go, and start reminding you how much they need you. my question is, why wait till i'm leaving than start to appreciate eveyth? get my point? i don't know, maybe i've given up so easily. but, why must i be needed when things go wrong for someone? i mean, i've always been there for anyone, though not physically, but i always do. but why when losing me, then things start to change? am i not worth a moment? i don't know what is on my mind. i don't even know why i even care so much.
anyways, to anyone who is reading this post, there's a song that i think is soothing to every ears. it's Hall of Fame by The Scripts, my adored Irish band :)